Down to Nothing

grief and life

Sure of Oneself

Taylor has started keeping a blog.  At first, I was concerned and a bit jealous.  I dated a man once, who told every problem he had with me to my best friend.  He would NEVER talk to me about how he felt.  He was a compulsive liar and manipulator.  We broke up, because he was "gay".  I'm not sure if this was true or if he just wanted out.  He moved to another state soon after he came out.  He never told any of his friends or family that he was "gay".  I'm sure he's living in Atlanta, happily dating a tall trashy-looking woman.  Taylor said that he wanted to write in his blog, because he had many swirling thoughts while he was at work.  He gets out of work too late to wake me up and tell me his random thoughts, because I have to get up very early in the morning.  I thought it was really sweet.  He asked me about where my blog was and I explained that I wanted to keep it private, because it's just like keeping a regular journal.  I think he was a little hurt that he was allowing me to read his, but I was keeping mine from him.  We had an experience once with a girlfriend of a friend of his.  She kept a blog where she vented about everyone she knew using their real full names.  When you searched for your name on google, it would bring up her blog.  She never included my name.  I was referred to as "Taylor's cunt of a girlfriend".  I don't think she ever really knew my name.  She never liked me, because Taylor's friends preferred me over her and she had been around longer.  I think Taylor is worried, because our relationship isn't exactly on the right track.  It's been fairly rocky since Bob came and my dad died.  We rarely see each other.  We are like two ships passing in the night.  This past weekend was a nice "vacation".  Though we roomed with his sister at the hotel and spent most of our time with his parents, it was nice to be out of our house and somewhere "new".  Last week, we had the best sex we've had in months, maybe over a year.  I always feel like he's not really paying attention to me while we're screwing, like he's thinking of someone else.  It puts a terrible strain on our relationship.  It's never good to think that your partner is not attracted to you, but it's even worse when if you rarely have sex. 

My son had his 9 month check up today.  He is big, weighing in at 20 1/2 lbs and 29 inches long.  He is now in the 75th percentile.  I have no idea what that means.  The nurse was surprised that I made my own food and commended me.  He is healthy and thriving.  He is cruising and crawling.  He is smart and a bit ahead of other children his age.  I may be a soccer mom in training.  I was a bit late to the appointment, because I met Taylor there.  When I walked into the room, Bob was so excited to see me.  It always gives me this light-headed tingly feeling, when I walk in a room and he lights up.  I always worry that I'm at work too much or that I don't hold him enough, that Taylor will be the favorite.  I remember when I was a kid and I had a favorite parent.  It was such a stupid thing to think.  I loved both of my parents equally, just in different ways.  I didn't know how to express that until I was much older.  Ugh.  Too tired to go on, must go home, eat dinner, and head to the gym. 

posted by: Islena at July 05, 2005 12:48 | link | comments |

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